The last three days I’ve been taking care if the boyfriend while he is dealing with a blown out back. I turn 32 in two days and this weekend was filled with promise. Utopia Fest plans to hear live music and camp out in a valley quickly vanished as I kept getting text messages from Gilbert as he laid in my bed, in my apartment, waiting for me. I spent 2 hours too long at Kat’s place as I cleaned up her apartment. She did help him out by giving him pain meds but this was not nearly enough as to what he needed.

Tired, sleepless, and sadden that my weekend is coming and going I begin to feel guilty. This will and has caused some stress within the relationship. Perhaps it’s because I see my friend deal with chronic pain on a daily basis. I’m comparing her pain to his which is completely not fair, I know.

This month and even summer has been a stressful one. I have been taking care of my father, as he recovered through a back spinal surgery, cleaning her apartment / taking care of Kat and even feeling the pressure of why haven’t I been over from her too when I don’t go over, and now this on the birthday weekend.

I’m not sure when payback, if ANY, will be thrown my way. I feel obligated to let all of my feelings go from frustration, boredom, putting people before me, and guilt (from thinking “if I don’t help them/him/her now, who will?”).

I want sushi. I want me time. I want money to spend on a haircut (easily $50). I want to write. I want time to myself. I don’t want responsibilities for one day. I want someone to take care of me. I want a new dress and a pair of new comfortable shoes. I want to feel relieved. I want to eat good food. I just want to be alone for a little while.